From a very young age I knew I was different from other boys.  I did not know why and it did not bother me at that stage for I had no understanding why it was that way.  There was always this attraction to boys and never to girls.

At the age of 14 a friend came out to me and told me he was gay.  I asked him what that meant?  As he explained it to me I realised that it is exactly what I am. 

The shock of realising that I am gay was so great that it was nauseating.  I said nothing but a great fear took hold of me.  What was I to do?  I knew that I could not speak about it.  There was no one I could talk to not even this friend for I knew he would not keep it to himself.  It was on that day that my inner struggle begun.  It was a struggle that would go on for 40 years.

Why me?  There was no answer to that!  At the age of 21 I became born again.  This was the answer I thought.  The Lord Jesus will take this away.  It did not happen and I kept on asking why Lord why don’t you take this away?  It is an abomination, it is sin!!! Still there was no answer.

The thought then came to me that if I become a pastor it will surely go away.  I did just that and the struggle became even worse.  I must get married I thought then being gay will certainly go away.  This was the biggest lie I could ever believe.  I got married and was married for 25 years.  For about 5 years I managed to suppress my being gay and then it exploded into my face and I knew that nothing I do will ever change who I am and what I am.  My inner struggle became even worse.  I had three boys so there was no way out I thought and my fight with God became severe.  I wanted to know from God why on countless occasions I would shout to heaven but still there was no reply.

After 25 years of marriage of which 20 years was sheer hell, I realised I could not go on.  I wanted to end everything but the Lords grace abounded to me.  It was my wife who took the first step.  We got divorced and six months later I came out.  I praise God for His love and mercy for He kept me through all the years I struggled and fought with Him.  He never abandoned me.  One year later I asked God again why me?  This time it was not out of anger but I truly wanted to know why?  The answer came and I found complete peace.  He made me wonderfully beautiful and He does not make mistakes.  I had no doubt anymore.  I know who I am and what I am and above all I am His child, washed in the Blood of Jesus.

Praise be unto Him for ever more.